Three Simple Solutions for Global Warming that Nobody Talks About

I want to say at the outset that I’m not one of those nutcase skeptics who don’t believe in global warming. I believe it’s happening and it worries me. But I see no need for getting all worked up about limiting our carbon use as proposed by global warming alarmists. We can easily fix the problem with three solutions based on chemistry and mathematics.

Solution I. The buildup of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has been linked to global warming. This has led to attempts to regulate carbon output. But carbon is not the biggest part of carbon dioxide. Oxygen is. Carbon dioxide is made up of one atom of carbon and two atoms of oxygen. Therefore, oxygen is twice as big a problem as carbon. The Periodic Table of Elements (even though it’s just a theory) claims the atomic weight of carbon is only 12, compared to a whopping 16 for oxygen. Using these data in sophisticated mathematical models shows that carbon makes up 38% by weight of the carbon dioxide molecule. Therefore, oxygen accounts for 100% – 38% = 62% of the global warming problem. So let’s stop trying to fix the wrong problem. We need to focus our attention on reducing atmospheric oxygen. One way to do this is to produce more humans, who will breathe in more oxygen. Another is to cut down more trees, which are putting oxygen into the atmosphere. We’re already doing a pretty good job at these two things, but more effort is needed. I’m optimistic we can do it. I’m not one of those the-world-is-coming-to-an-end kinds of people.

Solution II. The solution to taking care of that 38% of the problem that does come from carbon is ridiculously simple: sequester the extra carbon in human biomass. Humans are 18% carbon by weight. Multiplying that by 155 lbs, the average weight of an adult human, and by the 6.8 billion humans on Earth today = 95 million tons of carbon currently stored in human flesh, blood, and bone. The beauty of this solution is that humans are wildly expanding their numbers, gaining about 75 million people every year. By 2050, it’s estimated we’ll have 2.1 billion more humans, sequestering another 29 million tons of carbon. To make room for all these people, we must convert more natural areas and wilderness into prime human habitat; namely, subdivisions and malls.

But we can do even better. Encouraging the current trend toward obesity would help sequester more carbon per person. About two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese. If all 305.6 million Americans were overweight, say 20% overweight on average, that would be 281 thousand tons of carbon more. We should ban all known agents of keeping people fit and thin such as diets, yoga, YMCA gyms, bike paths, and sidewalks. Make sure people have to use a car for commuting and shopping. Incidentally, it’s important that dead humans not be cremated. That turns human flesh into carbon dioxide, which defeats the whole purpose. By the simple procedure of injecting deadly toxic formaldehyde into their bodies and placing them in the good clean earth, their carbon will be sequestered eternally. Lastly, a little-understood fact is that short inter-generational times is a great way to increase the size of the human population. Not only should women have more babies, they should start having them at a younger age. Mothers by age 20, grandmothers by 40.

Solution III. The third way to solve the global warming problem has to do with anoxic areas of oceans. Anoxic means water that is devoid of oxygen for fish to breathe through their gills. Extensive anoxic areas exist in places like the bottom of Chesapeake Bay and the dead zone in the Gulf of Mexico. These areas are mostly caused by too much nitrogen from human waste and agriculture, which cause algal blooms, which suck up all the oxygen. Only certain kinds of slimy bacteria can live in these waters; all the fish go belly-up. But we can’t use emotional arguments just because animals are cute and have big doe eyes. We have to use science. Water is H₂O, so anoxic water is simply H₂O – O = H₂, which is the chemical shorthand for hydrogen, a very clean fuel. Let’s pump all this anoxic water (hydrogen) out of the oceans and use it as fuel in our cars and power plants. The more anoxic water we can burn, the healthier our oceans, so we should make cars and trucks that get even fewer miles per gallon of fuel than they do now. To keep this all sustainable, we’ll have to make more anoxic water. That should be easy to do just by making more humans (see Solution # 2). Do you see how everything on Earth is inter-connected?

An important side benefit is that sucking all that anoxic water out of the oceans would solve the problem of a rising sea level. Reversing sea level rise would give us new dry sea floor so we could constantly pack in more people. Right now, two-thirds of the Earth’s surface is ocean (interestingly, that’s exactly the same proportion as that of Americans that are overweight; must be some sort of magic ratio like pi). But we need to turn that proportion around. If humans are the favored species, with dominion over all other beasts, why did we get only one-third of the space and some of that frozen wasteland?

In closing, I’ve shown three ways how science and technology and unrestrained sex and eating can solve the global warming problem, one of the major crises of the day. My ideas are so obvious I’m surprised no one has proposed them before. Now I expect I’ll hear from the skeptics.